Euro cyclist club rules #25-27

25. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are cross country skiing, and long track speed skating.

26. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in color. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the color of the jersey while blending the team kit colors simultaneously.

27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or triathlete) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you are required to ride up uncomfortably close and slap them in the face with your team-issue gloves.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Euro cyclist club rules #22-24

22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy gruppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is a case by case exception for SRAM RED.

23. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than 2000€ in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.

24. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Euro cyclist club rules #19-21

19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.

20. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.

21. Facial hair will be restricted to (at maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, or any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Euro cyclist club rules #16-18

16. Kits will always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette. It is, AT ALL TIMES, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.

17. Saddles must be white only and must be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions shall be made in the following cases…
i) Saddles containing WorldCup Stripes or Olympic Gold when EARNED
ii) Italian Flag color combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)

18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.)

Euro Cyclist Club rules #13-15

13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio.

14. In RARE cases, it has been deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE rule 12 is followed in these special cases.

15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with specifics of current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all time in place of caps.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Euro Cyclist Club Rules #10-12

10. You shall race only on Bora’s or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404’s or 202’s) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Regardless, Ceramic bearings shall be used at all times on both training and race bikes.

11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.

12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Euro Cyclist Club, rules 7-9

7. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white!
The following exceptions apply…
i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.
ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.

8. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimetres above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 1.5cm from any booties worn.

9. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Euro Cyclist Club, rules 4-6

4. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.

5. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.

(Here's Belgium Knee Warmers' endorsement of The Tan.)

6. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.

Tomorrow I'll post a roundup of race reports from Jackson Park.

My new cycling club

After watching four or five episodes of Over Drive, I have decided that Shinozaki is a sissy with Asperger syndrome, Yuki is too bi-polar, and Yuki's brother is just sick. If you like the show, however, gorge here.

Now I would like to introduce you to my new cycling club: the Euro Cyclist Club, which I just discovered in Facebook*. Members must adhere to a set of 50+ rules in order to join the select group of Euro cycling divos. With the noble goal of meeting the quota of pointless content of Morning Roll, I will reproduce those rules here, a few at a time.

The rules may not cover every possible aspect of a Euro Cyclist's attire and behavior. When in doubt, ask yourself: "What would Il Bello do?"

********* -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- *********
(from the Facebook group "THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT")

Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. Training is based solely on feel, while racing is to be guided by sensations and instinct. The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.

3. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of color, are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent logos. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE shall they extend any further! The bib shorts will have a compression band at the bottom, in a different color.

*The Euro Cyclist group is an actual Facebook group. Look it up if you're a Facebook member.