That's the way I roll

As a freshman rollerista, my feelings for this training machine have gone from terror to respect to indifference. After a month using rollers I can essentially ride the thing for as long as I want to—with a pause every twenty minutes to relieve pressure on my… tenders.

But, with three months of winter ahead, what will I do to stay motivated and keep improving? Here are some ideas, some of them borrowed from fellow cycling hamsters:

1. Increase your cadence. Strive for an average of 100rpm over the length of your workout. Then raise it to 105, 110 or even higher if you can.

2. Over-inflate your tires--the harder the tires, the bouncier your bike, and the more challenging it will be to ride smoothly. Extra golden star if your tire blows out.

3. Get your butt off the saddle. Try doing it for a few seconds at a time. It will improve your sprinting form—and your undersides will appreciate it.

4. Get some hot dogs (a.k.a. ultra-narrow rollers). The poor-man alternative might consist of marking the drums with tape, a few inches from the edges, and making it a goal to stay within the marks. Riding outside the marks will be penalized by eating a donut—while riding the rollers.

5. Jumpstart your acrobatics career. Ride with one hand, with no hands, then with one leg, then with one hand and one leg, finally with only one leg. (By the way, this is doable. See the video below.)

6. Put two rollers side to side. Ride on one set, and bunnyhop to the other in mid workout.

7. Same as #6, while eating a donut and reading The Wealth of Nations.

Techniques #5, 6 and 7 may not improve your pedal stroke, but they might get you a concussion—or a job with Cirque du Soleil.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Euro cyclist club rules #25-27

25. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY FROWNED UPON. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking). The ONLY TWO other sports with a recognized degree of euro are cross country skiing, and long track speed skating.

26. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN in all instances. Cycling gloves will be slick, white (in accordance with kit), and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in color. Wearing NO GLOVES is entirely acceptable and encouraged. In the case where said euro cyclist is wearing a leader’s jersey, special gloves will be made to match the color of the jersey while blending the team kit colors simultaneously.

27. In a circumstance where any cyclist (or triathlete) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you are required to ride up uncomfortably close and slap them in the face with your team-issue gloves.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Katy

Today I'm going out of town for a friend's wedding, so no riding this weekend :(

I'm secretly hoping that the ceremony turns out as in this video (5 minutes). Don't miss the part where Katy gets down to her Skivvies and hops on a pink bike. Later on, a pack of furious bridesmaids, also on pink bikes, join her in a mad hunt for the groom.



Don't you love Katy? I'm not sure which video I like best, the one above or this one.

Euro cyclist club rules #22-24

22. Campagnolo shall be THE ONLY acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy gruppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted. There is a case by case exception for SRAM RED.

23. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than 2000€ in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.

24. You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Euro cyclist club rules #19-21

19. All stems must be a minimum of 120mm and a rise of no higher than -10 degrees. Stems shall be positioned no more than 0.5cm above the top of the headtube. ALL stems shall ALWAYS be oversized, made out of ALUMINUM, and airbrushed in kit/frame colours.

20. A rider will ALWAYS have liniment applied to his legs before appearing in public.

21. Facial hair will be restricted to (at maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, or any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL euro-situations. It is important to note: this DOES NOT apply to the legs!

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.")

Euro cyclist club rules #16-18

16. Kits will always be freshly washed, and one shall ALWAYS have applied a subtle quantity of eau de toilette. It is, AT ALL TIMES, FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit, as it is extremely detrimental to your image.

17. Saddles must be white only and must be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions shall be made in the following cases…
i) Saddles containing WorldCup Stripes or Olympic Gold when EARNED
ii) Italian Flag color combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy)

18. Handlebar tape is required to be cork as well as being WHITE IN COLOR. Bar tape will be kept in pristine white condition. This state shall be achieved either through daily cleansing or frequent replacement. These jobs will NEVER be performed by the cyclist as you must maintain your image.

(From the Facebook group "The official rules of the Euro cyclist.)

Euro Cyclist Club rules #13-15

13. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit. Helmets are not to be worn when venturing indoors at any time. It is, however, acceptable to wear your helmet while outdoors on a patio.

14. In RARE cases, it has been deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet SHALL NOT be worn. It is IMPERATIVE rule 12 is followed in these special cases.

15. When riding, sans helmet (with short hair), a team issue cycling cap (white in colour), shall be worn. The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with specifics of current hairstyle. During spring training, cycling toques shall be worn at all time in place of caps.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Euro Cyclist Club Rules #10-12

10. You shall race only on Bora’s or Lightweights. Fulcrum Racing One, Corima Aero+ or Zipp (404’s or 202’s) wheelsets are considered stylish enough to be used as training wheels ONLY. Regardless, Ceramic bearings shall be used at all times on both training and race bikes.

11. ALL wheels shall be equipped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.

12. Ridiculously stylish eyewear (see endorsed products list) is to be worn at all time without exception. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Euro Cyclist Club, rules 7-9

7. Cycling shoes must contain at least 80% white!
The following exceptions apply…
i) Colours combinations such as world cup stripes, or Olympic gold where title has been EARNED.
ii) Shoes which are custom-made for specific riders by companies endorsed by this group. These shoes will be accessible to the particular cyclist only, and shall follow the preceding rules.

8. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logos shall always be worn. When booties are worn, socks should protrude approximately 7 centimetres above the ankle, and shall always protrude at least 1.5cm from any booties worn.

9. Your bike frame must contain 2-4 colours IN ADDITION TO WHITE. All colours are acceptable as long as they combine tastefully. In addition to this, wheel selection must also match frame and fork.

(From the Facebook group "The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.")

Take that, Mr. Annoying Spectator!!

(The cyclist is Juan Antonio Flecha. Hat tip to June Upshaw.)

Euro Cyclist Club, rules 4-6

4. Legs will be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (large or small) with ANY AMOUNT of stubble visible on legs.

5. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.

(Here's Belgium Knee Warmers' endorsement of The Tan.)

6. The Socks must extend no less than 2cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 1cm past the primary calf muscle bulge. All socks SHALL BE WHITE in colour with prominent logo placement.

Tomorrow I'll post a roundup of race reports from Jackson Park.

My new cycling club

After watching four or five episodes of Over Drive, I have decided that Shinozaki is a sissy with Asperger syndrome, Yuki is too bi-polar, and Yuki's brother is just sick. If you like the show, however, gorge here.

Now I would like to introduce you to my new cycling club: the Euro Cyclist Club, which I just discovered in Facebook*. Members must adhere to a set of 50+ rules in order to join the select group of Euro cycling divos. With the noble goal of meeting the quota of pointless content of Morning Roll, I will reproduce those rules here, a few at a time.

The rules may not cover every possible aspect of a Euro Cyclist's attire and behavior. When in doubt, ask yourself: "What would Il Bello do?"

********* -THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT- *********
(from the Facebook group "THE OFFICIAL EURO CYCLIST CODE OF CONDUCT")

Created by Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure, and second on performance. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. Training is based solely on feel, while racing is to be guided by sensations and instinct. The Euro Cyclist will never accept tried or tested scientific training methods.

3. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex bibs (shorts, regardless of color, are BANNED) or any team kit containing non-prominent logos. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE shall they extend any further! The bib shorts will have a compression band at the bottom, in a different color.

*The Euro Cyclist group is an actual Facebook group. Look it up if you're a Facebook member.

Eddy Merckx returns to professional racing

Tells somebody he doesn't need a team

In a statement released Tuesday afternoon and in an article published on Weekly World News, Eddy Merckx announced that he will return to professional road racing in 2009, including making a run at winning a sixth Tour de France.

“I am happy to announce that after talking with my children, my grandchildren, my grand grandchildren, and especially with my son Axel --himself retired from pro racing in 2007--, I have decided to return to professional cycling in order to raise awareness of... err... well, I´m returning for my own glory, what the heck," Merckx said in a statement released Tuesday.

Merckx had an interview with Weekly World News, apparently the only publication who would print this information. He will hold a news conference Sept. 24 in the village of Meensel-Kiezegem, Belgium, to which reporters from around the world are still figuring out how to arrive.

In the Weekly World News article, Merckx also says that he’s “one hundred and four percent” going to compete in the Tour de France next summer and that his age — he is 63 — will not be a factor.

“Look at other athletes," Merckx told the newspaper. "There's that guy... errr... I forgot his name. He´s like, 50, and he won the pétanque gold medal again last year. The woman who won the World Snooker Championships this year was 43. I´m just a couple of years older. Older athletes are performing very well. Ask serious sports physiologists and they’ll tell you that age is bullsh**.”

Merckx has spent the last few years fooling around with singers and other starlets, and hanging out with the stars in the French Riviera.

The now-toothless Cannibal told the newspaper that he decided to return to racing after training and coming in second behind "some dude" at his village training race last month.

Merckx told Weekly World News his return to racing would be with a team run by and composed of exclusively himself. "I don't need no stinkin' managers." His old teammates at Molteni, now in their 60´s and 70´s, excluded themselves from a hypothetical Merckx team saying that they "didn´t think they had another Tour in their legs."

This is a parody of this VeloNews article.

Over Drive, episode 2

Shinozaki's riding skills improve dramatically: He goes from being unable to ride a bike to bunnyhopping a motorcycle. He also wins his first "prime," a headband, which he promises to keep till the end of his days. Shinozaki asks his sweetheart Yuki to go on a ride with him, on the same bike, once he becomes the best rider in the world. Yuki doesn't mind... until Shinozaki explains that he'd like her to wear a bikini for the occasion.

1/3


2/3


3/3

First episode of Over Drive

The show right now seems to be as much about Shinozaki's love life as it is about cycling, but the cycling part will surely pick up in future episodes. Notice the beautiful coincidence: boy meets girl and cycling on the same day. I foresee a lot of suffering here...

Sorry I couldn't find a version with subtitles in English, but you won't have any problem following the plot--the languages of cycling and love are both universal... No, seriously, the episodes with English subtitles have all been taken off the Wild Wild Web. So if you wanna follow every twist and turn of the plot, you'll have to learn Japanese or Spanish. More episodes next Thursday.

Episode 1, 1/3


Episode 1, 2/3


Episode 1, 3/3

Ganbatte!

Shakariki!, the Japanese cycling movie, is coming out in September. Watch a teaser here.
According to www.cyclelicio.us, the movie is based on シャカリキ！Shakariki!, a popular comic manga featuring high school kids:

These kids suffer, they have bad hair, they sweat and snot runs from their noses as they push with all their might to be the fastest kid to climb the mountain. They have no friends -- only rivals who sabotage them, coaches who berate them for their failures, families who don't understand their passion for bicycling. They somehow manage to ride with second hand jerseys, bikes and headbands from the 80s.

The movie, on the other hand,

features the "D-Boys," a pretty boy acting troupe of young men with corporate sponsorship, great hair, great teeth, no sweat, and no snot who limply wave their wrists in the air as supportive and attractive friends all cry "Ganbatte!" while dramatic music crescendos and they all win some sort of prize.

Any chance that we'll get to see this in US theaters?

* * *

Continuing with Japanese cycling shows, below is the opening song of the animated series Over Drive. The show revolves around first-year high school student Shinozaki and his goal to become the greatest cyclist in the world and winning the Tour de France.

The show begins when, while feeling a deep crush on Yuki Fukazawa, Shinozaki decides to get into his high school cycling club as Yuki's suggestion, even though he has never practiced any sport before. Ironically, the club's leader is Yousuke, Yuki's older brother and a renowned road racer from his town. Yousuke's long time cycling partner and club's vice president Kouichi Terao sees in Shinozaki all the potential and courage necessary to become a road cycling legend.

This sounds hilarious, for so many reasons... (Remember, this is Japanese anime.) I will post some episodes over time.

Ice only in my cocktails please

They say that if you ride bicycles long enough you'll break your collar bone. And I did break my collar bone. I just wasn't riding a bike.

Last Sunday I was walking out the front door. My girlfriend was ahead of me. She stepped on the concrete walk on my front yard, which appeared to be wet from melting snow. It turns out it was covered with a sheet of black ice. She slipped and fell, landing on her butt, back and hitting the back of her head. I went to her rescue and slipped too, landing hard on my left shoulder.



The doc said it'll hurt for two weeks, till it heals substantially. In the meantime, I'm taking happy pills. My girlfriend was tested for brain injuries - the CT was clean.

So, as much as I'd like to brag about breaking my collar bone while I was riding my bike on ice, defying the elements and common sense, that's not how it happened. So, please, by all means, ride your bikes on the icy path, you're just as likely to break a bone as you are walking to the grocery store.

PS: A few years ago Charlie chipped his hip bone when he fell on black ice, on the infamous icy bend of the path near Ohio beach. He was in pain and unable to bike for months. He's been terrified about riding over that ice ever since, just like I'll be terrified about leaving my house from now on. Any "funny" stories about biking on ice? Please share them. Happy riding!

PS2: The guy in the picture is not me: it's an artist's conception of who I would like to be as a cyclist and how I would have liked to break my collar bone instead of stupidly slipping on my front yard.

Follow-up on the vélophilia case

The man who got caught... err, "smooching" his bikefriend in Scotland has been sentenced to three years on probation and placed on the Sex Offenders Register. Thanks God that the system protects the right of bicycles to a decent, mount-free life. Still, the guy got off easy. He's lucky that he lives in a country with no family values -- had he lived in Texas we would've put him on the chair, where he belongs.

The latest news mention that Mr Stewart, 51, is a bachelor, which is a relief -- at least he didn�t add insult to injury by cheating on his wife with an inanimate object. That he is single also proves what Catholics have been saying for a long time: people who practice solitary pleasure end up having health problems... mental health problems.

Non-doping cyclists finish Tour de France

All right, this is dated material, but hilarious nonetheless. Hat tip to Nora.

Non-Doping Cyclists Finish Tour De France (The Onion, August 30, 2007)

PARIS—A small but enthusiastic crowd of several dozen was on hand at the Tour de France's finish line on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées Tuesday to applaud the efforts of the 28 cyclists who completed the grueling 20-stage, 2,208.3-mile race without the aid of performance-enhancing drugs.

Great Britain's Bradley Wiggins finished the final 56km time trial in a respectable and drug-free 4 hours and 38 minutes.
Finland's Piet Kvistik, a domestique with the Crédit Mondial team, was this year's highest-finishing non-doping rider (142nd overall). Kvistik claimed the maillot propre, the blue jersey worn by the highest-placed "clean" rider, on the ninth stage of the race when the six riders who had previously worn it tested positive for EPO, elevated levels of testosterone, and blood-packing.

"This is a very, very proud day for me," said the 115-pound Kvistik, who lost 45% of his body mass during the event, toppled from his saddle moments after finishing, and had to be administered oxygen, fed intravenously, and injected with adrenaline by attending medical personnel. "They say it is...

Continue reading it here.

Guy does bike, may go to jail

Check out this story about a man arrested for having sex with a bicycle, via the Dilbert blog:

Man who had sex with bike in court
By Richard Alleyne

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

You can read the whole story here.

What should we call this sexual perversion? Vélophilia? Bikecest? And how many guys like him are out there? What’s the size of this market? Bikes as sex toys: we could’ve found a new niche for the bike industry!!! J, you should call one of those Taiwanese bike factories right now and start working on a prototype… I bet they could present it at the Interbike show next year. People would buy them on the spot: you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…

The story gives a whole new meaning to all those conversations about the feel of titanium versus carbon… Or about whether carbon is stiffer... Do you think they were having a good time? I bet bikes are too cold in bed.

Poor guy, not only he gets caught in the throes with his bike, but they arrest him. On what charges? Humping an inanimate object? Since when is that a criminal offense? Let's be open-minded here: some guys like inflatable dolls, some others like bicycles… What's the problem?

I mean, I love my bike, but I’ve never made it past the first of the four C's with her (Conversating, Cavorting, Canoodling and Consummating). Speaking about her, do you see bikes as males or females? In Catalan (as well as in the other Romance languages), objects have gender. And bikes are feminine objects in Catalan as well as in Spanish, which is quite convenient for me. I wouldn’t want to ride a male bike.

By the way, did you guys have a good ride today? I mean, a real ride. Outside, on the path. Pedaling. Grabbing the handlebars, not the love handles…

UPDATE (11/23/2007): Follow up on the story here.